TITLE: Epigraph
AUTHOR: XmagicalX
DATE: May, 2001
CATEGORY: Missing Scene: The First Ones; Angst
SPOILERS: The First Ones, minor for previous
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Jack's stream of consciousness at one key moment
DISCLAIMER: (maybe if you hum a few bars...) "Stargate SG-1 and its
characters are the property of Showtime/ Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret
Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story was written for entertainment
purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright
infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are
the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission of the
author."
I watched Rothman's body drop, and my first thought was, Daniel's going to kill me.
Worries me, every time I kill, what goes through my head. My heart, that's always the same--clenches like it's going to seize up, enact justice and send me after my...target. If I ever lost that...there were guys who came to like it. Spiting life, ending it, wielding that power, sent a thrill through them. Not me. Never. Moment it does I put the gun down for good.
But my brain--I don't have any control over that.
Daniel's going to kill me.
The bitch of it is, he won't. Once we find him--and we will-and tell him about this, he won't even try. And while a part of me is grateful, knowing he'll be able to grant the forgiveness I never can offer myself, there's a part that wishes he'd try it. Just give in and take it out on me.
Rothman was his friend. A whiny, sniffling geek of a friend, but a friend nonetheless. And who am I to judge? Politics makes strange bedfellows but military life makes for even weirder ones. Some of my buddies in the field were guys I'd never want to meet on the street. Heck, some of my best friends now I wouldn't have given the time of day to if I'd met them under normal circumstances.
That would've been a damn shame...I'd never even know what I was missing.
Be that as it may, Robert Rothman was Daniel's friend. He'd studied under him; Daniel was his mentor. Looked up to him--well, he had to, Rothman's a short guy--
Was, O'Neill. He's not going to stand up, tall or short, anymore.
But you could see he admired Daniel. Thought most of the SGC, all us soldier types, were philistine goons and while he had a healthy fear of authority he didn't respect any of us. But Dr. Jackson--Rothman perked up like a puppy offered table scraps every time Daniel said something nice about his work. Which Daniel often did, because Daniel's like that, good at encouragement and quick to praise when it's deserved. Rothman thrived on it.
And when Daniel got swiped by a scaly monster with a matched set of fangs and claws on an alien planet, Rothman didn't hesitate to go after him. 'He's my friend too.'
And now Rothman's dead.
Another one bites the dust.
No way, no way in hell am I telling Daniel that the only reason Rothman came back at all was for his sake. Okay, I'm one to talk about guilt, but Daniel would claim responsibility for everything going back to Eve biting the apple if he could. He doesn't need the chance to add anything else to the pile.
Even so, I'm scared. Can't help thinking, asking myself, is this it...
After Sha're died--crazy, how that's become a threshold in my mind, a way to mark eras. Before and after, what was and what is. Sha're's death is where it began--no, not really. Think it began twenty-five years ago, when that coverstone slammed down and ended his parents' lives. They were the first. But not the last.
His wife died. Three years of him pouring his heart into the search, and she died in his arms. Don't even want to mention Ke'ra. Then the kid Sha're assigned him to look for, the kid he birthed, the last thing he has of her, is taken away, entirely out of reach. And his grandfather comes back only to vanish again into thin air--literally--with his giants. We might see either of them again; who knows?
Then Carter and Teal'c and me are gone for more than a week and he doesn't know if we're alive or dead, and I saw it in his eyes when we stepped off the ramp, that as much as he'd been praying for the former, too much of his heart was resigned to the latter. Then we're almost lost again, and Martouf dies in our stead, right in front of him.
And now Rothman is lying lifeless on the cold ground.
God, Daniel, how much more can you take?
If only he would get angry. If only he'd scream his fury at the unfairness of this damn universe. If only he'd cry--after Sha're died, I saw him in tears once, and he wiped them away as soon as he realized I was at the door. Like he thought there was something to be ashamed of. His wife was gone and he wouldn't let himself cry, even before me, one of his best friends. That hurt, so deep I can't describe it.
I think I understand now why Sarah left me.
If he cries over Rothman, I know he's going to do it in private, alone. Maybe at his apartment at night. His cheeks will be dry at the funeral, like they were when we put Sha're under the sand. And the only mark will be one more set of shadows in his eyes.
That's the only place you can always see it. Each time another bond is snapped, the wound darkens his eyes a little more. I figure this keeps up, they'll be blacker than mine by the time he's my age. Boarding up the windows to the soul, but that's all right, because by then there won't be anything left to see.
I can watch it happening. He's pulling away, pulling inward. Trying not to make friends anymore, at least not ones he plans to keep. More focused on his work, on his research, but less willing to talk about it. When he does talk, it's with a harder edge, laced with sharp sarcasm. Good for getting his point across quick, and keeping people at bay. Gee, wonder where he learned that one.
Hell, maybe he'll be glad Rothman's gone. Another tie he won't have to work at severing.
It's not going to work, Daniel. I'm making a vow on Rothman's grave. He was your friend. He valued your friendship--it cost him his life, that's how much it was worth. You can't take something like that off the market. You can't deprive everyone of that gift, even if it hurts.
Besides, you aren't getting away from us that easily. We're still here, Daniel. Remember. Your team. I know how much we mean to you. I saw how the light in your eyes outshone the shadows when we stepped out of the beta gate. We're tracking a demon to find you, risking lives, and it's worth it. You're worth it; your friendship is worth it.
And you can cry before us, too. I promise we won't laugh. We might cry with you, even.
I'm going to see he does. See if tears can wash away those shadows. If not I'll find another way. Chip away at the darkness until they're clear again. Even after all that's been taken, there's still something there. I just need to bring it into the open again. Don't know how yet. But I'll figure it out. I have to.
Rest in peace, Robert. We're going to find Daniel. We'll save your friend's life.
And when that's done, we'll see about saving his soul.